Christianity and Alcoholics Anonymous

HAS ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS LOST ITS WAY?


I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for 28 years. AA has become a worldwide and an American Institution. Treatment centers throughout the United States tout the 12 steps and Christian Churches in the USA provide meeting places for Alcoholics Anonymous. It is not polite to criticize AA. But countless American depend on AA and its teachings, so it is legitimate to ask “Has AA lost its Way ? ” I say it has.Its not that there is anything wrong with the 12 steps. AA’s founder, Bill Wilson, rightly said that the principles of the 12 steps came from the bible. Consider what one early AA member had to say years ago:One morning, after a sleepless night worrying over what I could do to straighten myself out, I went to my room alone-took my Bible in hand and asked Him, the One Power, that I might open to a good place to read-and I read. "For I delight in the law of God after the inward man. But I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me out of the body of this death?" That was enough for me-I started to understand. Here were the words of Paul a great teacher. What then if I had slipped? Now, I could understand. From that day years ago, I gave, still give and always will give time everyday to read the word of God and let Him do all the caring. Who am I to try to run myself or anyone else?*Times have changed since then. All references to the Holy Bible have been taken out of the later editions of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and not by accident. But that’s not all.AA has a tradition which states:“No AA group or member should ever, in such a way as to implicate AA, express any opinion on outside controversial issues”Despite this fact, AA has taken a position of subtly and not so subtly endorsing homosexuality. There are many examples but one will suffice. Contrast that previous statement by an early AA with this statement by a modern AA:In A.A. today, I know sober leather fans, transvestites, and members of every other sexual group there is. But the only important thing here is that we are all human beings, all alcoholics, and all in A.A. together.*The sad fact is that the Gay Rights movement has infiltrated Alcoholics Anonymous and its literature. Being Gay is equated with being Jewish, Black, or Native American on the Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Website: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/english/E_Pamphlets/P-13_d1.htmlDon’t get me wrong, I don’t think Gays and Lesbians out to be excluded from AA, but only told that sin is sin. Anything less is a disservice to everyone, and contrary to the will of the Creator whose blessing we all seek.AA has lost its way, and should promptly admit its wrong.*The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, First edition**My name is Padric, and I'm and Alcoholic (gay)

©2004 Christianrecovery.blogspot.com

Is Jesus Christ welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous ?

Is Jesus Christ welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous?


It seems like a very strange question really. Those that are familiar with the history of Alcoholics Anonymous will know it grew out of the Oxford Group or First Century Christian Fellowship. The following is true story which happened recently and shows what is happening in AA today.


I picked up a newspaper one day and there was front page article about a lady who was having a series of meetings based on the 12 steps. Since it was only a few blocks from my home I decided I would go. The lady was “facilitating” the meeting at a local Catholic Church and was using the 12 and 12. The meeting was not listed in the local AA directory.



One day one of the so-called "oldtimers" who is involved in all the local AA politics showed up at the meeting. I showed her the letter I have from the General Services Offices of Alcoholics Anonymous saying that reading from the Book of James is acceptable if the AA group has taken a group conscience on the matter(although I showed her the letter the group had never read out of anything but the 12&12 and the Big Book of AA,)

I asked her if she had ever read the First Edition and she said yes. I pointed out to her that most of the Christian Testimonies had been deleted by Bill Wilson in the Second Edition. Her response:

"Yes, they took them out. And she said they stopped reading the Bible in early AA because it "didnt work".

When I pressed the point a little, she kind of got in a huff about the whole matter, said she wasn’t comfortable at the meeting and ran out the door. She was the former secretary at the local AA central office and she made sure that they refused to list the meeting in the AA directory when we submitted it.

Since the area I live in is kind of overlapped by 2 central offices I suggested to the lady who started the meeting we submit it to the other AA central office. We did and they accepted it.

However, this is what happened today when I went to pick up meeting lists. I got the meeting lists and the volunteer asked me if they were for my personal use or a meeting. I said a meeting. She asked which one, and I told her. Then she told me that she had just put in the newsletter that was a “dead meeting”. I informed her that the meeting wasn’t dead and we had 3 people regularly attending it. Hold on she told me, and got someone on the phone. Here is part of the conversation I had with the lady on the phone.

“ Is this that Christian meeting?,” She asked.

I thought about it for a moment. Although I believe in Christ and one other lady does, Im not sure if the third lady does or not. And we have had a lady come to the meeting who had no belief in God at all and thought it was “weakness” to depend on God. But she wanted to stop drinking and we didn’t tell her she had to believe in anything or that she wasn’t welcome.

So I said “No”. However for the sake of honesty, I explained to her that I believe in Christ and that if I worked with anyone I would certainly encourage that.She was ok with that but said the following.

“Well,” she said, “Ive been sober since 1966. And we don’t want people talking about Jesus Christ in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings “

I explained to her the history of the meeting and that I had been attending meetings since 1976, and that anyone was welcome if they had a desire to stop drinking.

“Well,” she said “ This is a spiritual program not a religious one ( as if a religious person could somehow not be spiritual)

I went on to explain to the woman on the phone that I knew where the steps came from (The Bible) and nobody could tell me what I could say at an AA meeting.

She backpedaled a little and allowed that ,”Jesus Christ could be mentioned but not very much. After alL,” she said, “You wouldn’t want people talking about Buddha would you?”

I explained to her that I have been to thousands of meetingsand have heard people talk about Buddha and that I didn’t have a problem with that if they wanted to.

Finally, I suggested to her that she send someone to investigate our meeting to see if it met her standards.

“Good idea,” she said, “Ill send somebody from the General service structure to investigate”

As it stands now, the meeting is listed in the AA directory but the AA “Thought police” will be investigating to see if we say Jesus Christ too many times.

Im quite sure Dr. Bob is turning over in his grave. So is Jesus Christ welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous?

Not very.





©2005 Christianrecovery.blogspot.com

Inside the Los Angeles County Jail

I am writing an autobiography on myl ife as a drug addict and the subsequent spiritual awakening. There are some excerpts on this site from it. (see blog entitled “Hate: the root of addiction”). I was working on the autobiography today and thought I might post some excerpts from it which you may find interesting.

Many people have never been in jail and there only experience of it is from television. Here is an excerpt which shows “a slice of life” inside the Los Angeles County Jail. If you are in law enforcement don’t bother contacting me about this. These events transpired approx. 33 years ago and the statute of limitations on any crimes has long since passed. And besides I couldn’t give you any names anyway. As far as conditions in the Los Angeles County Jail I suspect they haven’t changed much but I will leave that for others with more recent experience to comment on.
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They took my drugs away at booking and I was fingerprinted and processed and sent off to the Los Angeles County Jail the next day. The county jail was an experience. Although I had been in jail for 43 days the first time, this was the first time I stayed for an extended period. The 6 man cells often held 10 people with 4 people sleeping on the concrete floor. If the cell doors were not opened then you spent the entire day locked up except for chow time which was the high point of the day. Inside the cell we played cards, talked. or read a book from the jail library. Somedays we were lucky and would get an officer who would play music over the intercom system.. Sometimes the cell gates would be opened and we would be given “freeway time” which is just walking up and down the cell block. Very rarely we were put into the dayroom, a large room where we could play cards. Unsentenced prisoners of all varieties, felonies and misdemeanors, are mixed together. As a result hardened criminals and first time offenders can end up sharing the same cell.
One day I heard a commotion in the cell next to me. I didn’t know what it was but something was going on. I heard some voices saying “tie him up real good” but I still didn’t know what it was. When the gates rolled back for freeway time, I left my cell.In the cell next door was a black inmate sitting on the toilet with an erection being masturbated by a young white boy with a embarrassed sheepish grin on his face. Inmates walked down the freeway laughing, grinning and joking about the whole matter. What had happened is that a young white marijuana smoker on his first offense had been thrown into a cell with some hardened black psychopathic criminals. They tied him up and threw him under the bunk, and then perpetrated various forms of homosexual rape on him. Eventually, one of the other white inmates the cell refused to go back inside. He was taken off to Siberia and put
in isolation. When that happened the black inmates untied the white inmate and threatened him with death if he said anything. He didn’t. Truthfully, most of the deputies did not much care what went on in the cell blocks. It probably wasn’t all that uncommon of an occurrence.

We live in the Dark Ages of Alcoholism/Addiction Treatment

We live in the Dark Ages of Alcoholism/Addiction Treatment

As a long time time AA member (29 years), I read Byron Holocomb’s article “Alcoholism is a character disorder” and Lee Somerstiens related article,“Alcoholism rips through all of society”.

Somerstien has described what I call the AA “Party Line” . For 50 years “Alcoholism Activists” have promoted the idea that Alcoholism is a “Disease”. Most prominent was Marty Mann, an early AA . Mann founded the National Council on Alcoholism, through which she “educated” the general public about alcoholism and shaped the modern alcoholism movement .The treatment industry and AA in general have uncritically accepted the idea that alcoholism is a “disease”.

What is less well known is that one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr.Robert Smith, did not believe that alcoholism is a disease:

“Doc dwelt on the idea that this was an illness, but Doc was pretty frank with me. …..He pointed out that probably it was moral or spiritual illness, than it was a physical one”*


We live in the dark ages of Alcoholism/addiction treatment. We have spawned a whole treatment industry that falsely believes and promulgates the “disease concept”.But if not a disease or a genetic defect then what is alcoholism? What causes it?After all, it must have a cause.

Most treatment professionals would say it is “genetic”,possibly an allergy, or,more honestly, that they don’t know what causes it.

To understand the cause it is necessary to understand why the alcoholic drinks. Although he may say it is because he “likes” to drink,that is a lesser truth. The greater truth is he “likes” it because it relieves the pain of conscience.

Researchers are beginning to find some clues about this, and it has to do with what is commonly called post traumatic stress syndrome.


**The post-traumatic stress field generally considers drug abuse and alcoholism to be symptoms of stress caused by the underlying post-traumatic stress condition.

One form of post traumatic stress disorder is child abuse. Health Canada describes one of the consequences of child abuse to be : “chronic substance abuse/dependence”.***

Alice Miller PHD has this to say about Alcoholism and child abuse:

“ Disassociated from the original cause, their feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, longing, anxiety, and pain will find expression in destructive acts against others…. or against themselves (drug addiction, alcoholism)****

People with PTSD are more likely than others with similar backgrounds to have alcohol use disorders both before and after being diagnosed with PTSD, and people with alcohol use disorders often also have PTSD.*****

Sixty to eighty percent of Vietnam veterans seeking PTSD treatment have alcohol use disorders.******


Now you may be thinking, “Maybe that’s true of some , but not everybody was abused ”. And that is true. But my experience is that most alcoholics have been traumatized in varying fashions and degrees. The thing they all have in common is that have hated as a result of trauma.

Let me say it plainly and simply. Hate and resentment is the root of alcoholism. And, yes, forgiveness is the cure. And that is an issue of character.

Ted W.




*P.219, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd edition.
**Etiotropic Trauma Management by Jesse Collins
*** The Consequences of Child Maltreatment: A Reference Guide for Health Practitioners . A Reference Guide for Health Practitioners was prepared by Jeff Latimer for the Family Violence Prevention Unit, Health Canada.
****“The Newly Recognized,shattering effects of Child Abuse,By Alice Miller
*****National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet
****** Ibid.

The Betrayal of Alcoholics Anonymous

I thought this was rather a good article. I woke up one night and it was on my heart. A few people have liked it and some others have thought I was a homophobe. Just for the record I dont hate homosexuals. I do believe however that it is a sin, and that homosexuals need repentence to find salvation. This is becoming an increasingly unpopular view in our sick socitey it seems. However, as I like to say, " Im not going to be asked if I was popular on judgement day"

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The Betrayal of Alcoholics Anonymous
Early AA was a good thing. As Dr.Bob (one of the co-founders of AA) said in his last major address to AA's:

"It wasnt until 1938 that the teachings and efforts and studies that had been going on were crystallized in the form of the 12 steps.....We already had the basic ideas....We got them, as I said , as a result of our study of the Good Book"

How then did AA, a program with Christian Roots, evolve into a program that has Gay AA meeting and Gay AA Roundups ( www.gayalcoholics.com). Indeed, the new (and improved?) 4th Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous has further deleted some of the Christian Testimonies of early AA pioneers (Clarence Snyder of Cleveland Ohio: Home Brewmeister) and replaced it with stories of unrepentant homosexuals: "Tightrope" **

The question is "How did it happen" .

The website of " International Advisory Council of Homosexual Men & Women in AA) " gives us part of the answer to the sordid story. And it involves betrayal at the highest levels of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a tradition (Traditon 10) which states:

"Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence,the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy"

And the traditon served AA well for the first 40 years of its existence. There were no officially designated "Gay" meetings during that time. However, as society itself began to deteriorate and begin to be more accepting of perversion, AA began to reflect this change. Homosexual activists began clamoring for official acceptance within AA. But they had to get around the traditon to do it. The General Services Office of Alcoholics Anonymous was all too willing to help.

Gay Activists wrote a pamphlet entitled "The Homosexual Alcoholic - A.A.'s Message of Hope to Gay Men and Women." They also published a meeting list: " Meetings for Gay Recovering Alcoholics". Neither of these publications were authorized AA publications. It was sort of an underground AA.


Now let me quote from Nancy T., Arlington the homosexual activist largely responsible compiling the gay meeting list:

" I made contact with the General Services Office, and sent them copies of the pamphlet and directories. The GSO folks were very kind. Although neither the pamphlet nor the directory were Conference approved, those caring people in New York distributed the pieces of "literature" in response to requests for information from gay/lesbian Alcoholics and their friends and sponsors. They also referred people directly to me. This began a cooperative relationship between the community of gay and lesbian recovering alcoholics and the General Services Office that endures to this day through IAC. "


There you are from the mouth of the woman who did it. Alcoholics Anonymous General Serives Office promoting the homosexual agenda. Distributing non-conference approved literature and directories to the public in order to promote an outside issue: the acceptance of homosexuality in society.

The General Service Office went further. In 1980 homosexual activists were asked by the GSO staff to help plan two gay/lesbian workshops for the 1980 International AA Convention.


It could not have happened with the connivance and approval of General Service Office.Briefly, that is the story of the betrayal of Alcoholics Anonymous by those trusted servants sworn to have no opinon on outside issues.And we can be pretty sure they didnt get the idea from their study of the Good Book.

Ted W
Ted W. is a long time member of Alcoholics Anonymous (28 Years). He is a believer in Jesus Christ and writes on recovery related issues at Http://Christianrecovery.blogspot.com

Allergy to Alcohol

This idea mentioned in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is still bandied about as if it was
the truth. I post the following in my one small attempt to kill it.




Carl Dawntreader in "A Critical Look at Disease Mythology in
America" has said it well:

The allergy suggestion is, of course, absurd;allergies are a very
specific type of physiological response that is quite well understood.
They may involve, among other things, a chemical sensitization of the
immune system by the primary challenge of some noxious agent,or
allergen, such that subsequent exposure to the offending agent provokes
an immune response. This response may include the mobilization of
certain types of white blood cells and the release of a cytotoxic agent
,called histamine, which, in turn, produces signs and symptoms of a
wide variety,but which are all physical (vs. mental) in nature, such as
topical dermatitis, watery eyes, respiratory irritation, and
anaphylactic shock. Chemical cravings do not ever constitute an
allergic response to anything.

Http://Christianrecovery.blogspot.com

Is the earth 5000 years old?

Is the earth 5000 years old?

This seems to be a strange subject to post on a recovery blog, but necessary nevertheless. Many Christians claim that the earth is 5000 years old? And some people have a problem with this as it seems to contradict the scientific evidence. Let me post my thought on that.

If you had been there when Jesus fed the multitude or raised Lazarus from the dead, you wouldnt have worried too much about that stuff. The miracles you saw would have convinced you of the truth of who he was.
In the same way, the miracles (yes, true miracles) I have seen in the lives of others and yes, even in my own life, leave no room for doubt.
Im not that concerned about scientific evidence. Im more concerned about living the way my Creator wants me to.
However, I can appreciate the fact that some may be. They may want to check out:
www.scienceministries.org
They might want to go to the link that says:
If the universe is 6,000 years old, according to Bible literalists, how can it be explained that it takes millions of years for light to get to Earth from neighboring stars.

And in the meantime you might consider another equally profound question:

"What does it mean to love God and your neighbor as yourself"

Ted

Anonymous Anonymous Addicts

I ran into a lady the other day who goes to meetings 7 days a week.
She goes to meeting a day on Sunday. Somehow she fings time to go to
church to as that is where I met her. She goes to AA and NA meetings. I
think she said she has been sober for 23 years. Judgeing by the AA
medallion hanging around her neck and what she said her whole identity
is wrapped up in being an AA member.

It looks to me like what she has become is an Alcoholics Anonymous
Adddict. I suppose thats better than being a drunk ( at least she is
not out driving intoxicated behind the wheel) but could it really be
said that such an unbalanced individual has been restored to sanity.

Do some people just substitute their addiction to alcohol to an
addiction to meetings?

Maybe she needs to add an Anonymous Anonymous meeting?

Are addictions related to post traumatic stress syndrome?

Is Alcoholism related to post traumatic stress syndrome?

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Post Traumatic Stress and Alcoholism/Addiction


The Consequences of Child Maltreatment: A Reference Guide for Health Practitioners . A Reference Guide for Health Practitioners was prepared by Jeff Latimer for the Family Violence Prevention Unit, Health Canada.


Physical Consequences
In addition to the obvious physical injuries, such as broken bones, bruises and scarring, maltreatment is also related to several additional physical complications for children, including the following:
children who have suffered serious and chronic neglect are more likely to be smaller and lighter than non-maltreated children, which has been shown to affect long-term health37
children who are physically abused (or shaken in the case of very young children) may suffer permanent neurological damage, dramatically affecting their future development38
weight problems ? often emerging as eating disorders39
serious sleep disturbances and bouts of dizziness when awake40
other stress-related symptoms, such as gastrointestinal problems, migraine headaches, difficulty breathing, hypertension, aches, pains and rashes which defy diagnosis and/or treatment41
poor overall health.42
Behavioural Consequences
Maltreated children are known to display the following behavioural problems:
developmental delays43
clinging behaviour, extreme shyness and fear of strangers44
troubled socialization with peers ? constant fighting or socially undesirable behaviours, such as bullying, teasing or not sharing45
poor school adjustment and disruptive classroom behaviour.46
There is a growing understanding among researchers that child maltreatment is associated with a host of behavioural problems that manifest themselves in adolescence:
school-age pregnancy47
self-destructive behaviours such as self-mutilation or burning48
truancy and running away behaviour49
delinquency and prostitution50
early use of drugs/alcohol and substance abuse/dependence51
eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia or obesity ? primarily among female victims52
suicide and suicide attempts.53
Evidence suggests that many of these problems continue into adulthood and become ingrained patterns of behaviour. It is believed that in order to deal with the trauma of being abused and neglected, children and youth develop such behaviours as coping strategies. And although these behaviours eventually become self-destructive, they are often extremely difficult to abandon. Additional behavioural difficulties may continue into adulthood:
increased aggression and violence54
homelessness55
criminal offending ? crimes which are sexual in nature are often associated with sexual abuse while violent crimes are more often linked to physical abuse56
chronic substance abuse/dependence.57
? Minister of Public Works and Government Services Canada, 1998 Cat. H72-21/156-1998E ISBN 0-662-26602-1


This reproduction/excerpt is not official version of the material reproduced, nor is it being presented here as having been made in affiliation with or with the endorsement of the Public Health Agency of Canada
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http://christianrecovery.blogspot.com

Recovery Times Article

Here is the article published on Recovery Time :

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Hate: the root of addictions

I came into the world in 1949. My father was a radio and TV repairman.The US army had trained him to be a radar technician during world war II, and he transferred the skills to civilian life. According to my parents, Peoria was a rather dismal depressed area at the time, and my father moved the family to southern California.
My early memories are fragments, snippets here and there. I remember asking my father if there was a God when I was very small. His answer was ? I believe in a Supreme being?. But that is not to say our home was a religious one. At some point in my very early years I remember attending a Calvary Baptist Church with my parents, and even going to Sunday school. But my parents stopped going to Church for reasons which are not known to me. I do remember attending Sunday school but I was so young I cannot remember much of what went on.
Despite their occasional attendance at church, my home environment was less than Godly. Like many homes there was a war going on between Mom and Dad (if you were lucky enough to even have a Dad) and I became a casualty of that war.One morning when I was about 5 years old my younger brother (3 years old at that time ) and I were playing with wooden blocks in our bedroom. Vaguely I recall Mom and Dad had been fighting.Dad left the house and my brother and I continued playing with the wooden blocks. Mom came into the bedroom screaming, ?I told you kids not to play with those blocks?. My brother said ?run? and we both ran into different parts of the house. Mom cornered him in the service porch and I heard the screams as she beat him. Then she came flying into the living room in a rage ?Now, its your turn? she said. And ,indeed,it was my turn.

She held me tight with one arm and hit me with full force as I looked into her face. And it was a look of hatred I saw there. The beating seemed like it lasted forever. Every time she hit me my hate started to grow more intense..Her face was burned into my memory with hate. Finally, it was over and I crumpled to the ground in relief.

That evening my Father came home. Mom met him at the door and said:. ?The children have been really bad today?. Dad pointed to my bedroom and said in a loud disapproving tone,?Go to your room?.I was sent to my room for punishment. In my room I thought of the injustice of what was happening and I was filled with a consuming hatred toward my father. In one day Mom had introduced me to injustice, corrupted me with a spirit of hate, and turned me against my father.
The next day I woke up and came out of my room. Dad was at work. Mom asked me if I was going to be good and I responded ?Yes?. Her answer was ? I thought you would say that?. That was the worst time but there were others. It is true that the course of a man?s (or womans)life is determined by their early years. I don?t want this to sound like blame for it is not. It is truth, and an understanding of causes. These kind of traumas in childhood change the course of a persons life. Most of these memories were repressed out of my consciousness mind in order to cope.In later years the drugs would literally obliterate all memory of them. .

Have you ever seen the cruelty of children and wonder how they got that way?When I was about 10 years old an incident happened that is worth telling. It was popular at that time to ?pants? someone. A group of boys would find someone they didn?t like and pants them to humiliate them. I was with a group of boys who ran across a boy in our neighborhood, Jim T., and they decided to ?pants? him. After they got him down on the ground they pulled his pants and underwear down exposing his genitals. I was already a smoker and I was seized by the impulse to burn him on the genitals with a lite cigarette and proceeded to do so. His faced grimaced in pain and he burned with resentment towards me. He had the same look of hate on his face that I had when my mom was beating me. I had become what I hated:. An agent of cruelty and injustice.


I was 15 when I first started using drugs. It was a weekend thing at first. Sniffing glue or smoking dope. I remember my first real drunk on wine and the attendent hangover the next day. I felt terrible. My brother- in- law was a male nurse and had access to amphetamines and gave me 2 cross-tops for the hangover; afterwards, I felt better,much much better. Amphetamines were added to the drugs I craved. He also had barbiturates and I began to use them. The 60`s were the time of Timothy Leary ?turn on, tune in, and drop out?. It was the time of Jefferson Airplane, Dylan, and Donovan and and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. I read the Life magazine article about LSD and I wanted to try it. I did and I loved it.By the time I was 18. I was a glue sniffer,dope smoker, drinker, used upper and downers and hallucinogenics.As one Judge I appeared before said,?I don?t know where you?re going but your getting there fast?

As I look back on it, I think the traumatic incidents in my life,especially the trauma with my mother, set me up for the drug addiction.I explain it like this:If you have a burnt finger and place it in a cool glass of water it feels ?good?. Similarly, my conscience had been burned by hate and felt ?good? when immersed in the chemical high of drugs.


It was a downward journey of crossing moral borders. I started using a needle because other people were doing it. At first I injected barbiturates.For a period of time I became a very heavy drinker while I went to college. I would go to school in the mornings and ,in the afternoons shoplifted alcohol at the local supermarket. There was periodic use of amphetamines at this time also.I had become a very sick young man.

When school was over with I went to work again at the restaurant I used to work at. As fate would have it their was a waitress working there who was using heroin. As is probably obvious ,I had no compunction about using any drug and was not averse to needles. The inevitable happened. I had my first fix of heroin. The experience wasn?t that great due to poor quality. But my second fix was powerful ?China White? heroin and it made me feel powerful,gave me a sense of well-being, and made me feel like a God. That was the begininng of my heroin addiction.


Within a few months I was ?strung-out? on heroin.I decided to quit and began going thru withdrawal symptoms which are flue-like and include sleepless nights. Midway thru the withdrawal symptons I decided the hell with it and decided to burglarize another pharmacy. My running partner and connection thought that it was a dandy idea and drove me to the local pharmancy. I climbed on the roof and entered into the building through an air-conditioning vent I kicked out. I dropped into the store and began ransacking the shelves. Midway thru the ransacking I heard a sound like mice scurrying which was the scuffle of police shoes on the vinyl floor getting into position. A voice rang out ?Police Department, come out with your hands up.? And I did.

It was back to court. The same courthouse (but a different judge) where I had been convicted on a previous burgalary. The judge looked at the record and correctly ascertained that my sentence of 43 days had been too light . I admitted to the Court that I was a heroin addict. The State of California had ( and still has) a program of so-called ?Treatment? for drug addicts. The first step is examination by Doctors that you are in danger of addiction and a threat to yourself and others. The Doctor examined me and saw marks on my arms and certified to the Court that I was indeed a drug addict. My sentence was a 7 year civil commitment to the California Rehabilitation Center in Norco, Ca run by the California Department of Corrections.
While there they did have me write an autobiography and I wrote as honestly as I could. At that time I couldn?t see any further than that my desire for acceptance was the cause of my addiction.The early childhood traumas of which I wrote earlier were completely buried in my subconscious at this time.Psychology calls this repression . I believe the incidents were so traumatic ,especially the one beating, that I coped with it by blocking it out of mind conscious mind. Then I covered it up with 14 years of drug use which made me almost completely oblivious to the incidents and the hate. .
. I do remember that their was one Corrections Lieutenat who said to me ,?We don?t know what to do about you guys, We just keep you guys locked up and hope youll get tired of what your doing.That was the admission by the Institution that they didn?t have the foggiest idea what caused addiction nor what to do about it. After being paroled I wasn?t out very long before I started using heroin again. And it was long before I was arrested and violated. My parole gave me a choice between CRC and a drug treatment program.

The first drug treatment program chosen for me was the LongTerm Family Program at the Tarzana Psychiatric Hospital.I was somewhat shocked when I arrived there. My first view of the ?Family? was in the cafeteria and it looked like a line of carnival sideshow freaks. The men had shaved heads and wore dresses. The women were wearing men?s clothes. Some were wearing paper bags over their heads with eye,nose,and mouth holes. All were wearing cardboard sandwich board signs with crayon marked messages on them.It was a weird menagerie of bizarre design.
My first night there I was rudely awakened at 2:00 A.M. by our phase leader screaming ?Creep,creep, creep?. As I was to find out a ?creep? meant to be awoken in the middle of the night for ?therapy?. It is amazing what can be done to human beings in the name of ?Therapy? The first therapy was to stand on the wall. Standing on the wall was a big part of Tarzana. If you were ever stood in the corner as punishment as a child with your face against the wall, then you have a sense of standing on the wall. Usually it was from 10-30 minutes. However there were times when we stood on the wall for as long as 20 hours. This ,of course, is cruelty and not therapy but that?s what they did. In the beginning I was not told a lot about the program except that I would have to have a lot of blind ?faith? and that the program worked. Honestly, I don?t know if this sort of thing goes on at Tarzana now, but it certainly did then. Sleep deprivation, shaving heads, wearing dresses for men, standing in uncomfortable stress positions on the wall: all this was considered therapy.. If you are wondering what all this had to do as ?treatment? for drug Addiction, you are not alone. 30 years later Im still wondering

I split from Tarzana as soon as I thought my parole agent would
not violate me.(4 months). Although I tried to stay clean I was unable to do it. After another burglary arrest I ended back at CRC for the second time. At this time everyone in my life believed I was hopeless.

My stay at CRC this time was for about a year. During that time I started attending both Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I even attended church a few times while in the institution. Various churches and evangelists came in. I also listened on the radio to a radio ministry.

On my second parole I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Although there were Narcotics Anonymous meetings in Los Angeles, they were few and far between in 1977. And when I went to them not many people were staying clean at that time. So I found a home at Alcoholics Anonymous and began to find out what it was all about. I would not be honest unless I included the fact I attended a Christian Church which taught me many useful things: I needed all the help I could get.

For me ,at least, resolving all this has taken a long time and a seemingly endless series of realizations,many painful. Even though I got off alcohol and drugs the traumas were buried in my subconscious. The hatred for my mother because of her abuse was repressed into my subconscious .Even when I remembered the abuse I was not conscious of the feelings of hatred. On a conscious level I experienced an attraction to women like my mother, especially look-alikes . This caused me untold misery. This phenomenon of repression is not unknown to psychiatry, although during my time in treatment programs, Alcholics Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous I learned nothing of this. Alcoholics Anonymous does make this statement:

There are those too with grave mental and emotional problems. Some of these do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.-Chapter 5,The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.


This is as close as I can find in Recovery type literature referring to problems like mine.To this day it amazes me that I could walk around for 45 years with these feelings of hatred and not be conscious of them. And it took over 20 years of being off drugs and personal tradegy for the hatred to surface. Although I had thought I had forgiven my mother I had not. A very good spiritual counselor advised me to confront my mother with what she had done. I did confront her with the incidents of abuse and when I did I was surprised to find feelings of resentment surfacing, like a vapor rising. Although I had not yet truly forgiven my mother, she broke down into tears when confronted.

? I hope this wasn?t the reason you were on drugs? she told me.

And indeed her cruelty was the reason. Now the reader may be thinking something like this, ?Maybe that?s true of you, but not everybody was abused by their mother?. And that is true. But my experience in recovery (28 years) is that most alcoholics or drug addicts have been traumatized in some fashion, some not as severe as me but some worse. I would suggest that the thing that they all have in common is that they have been corrupted by their parents or parent substitutes to hate.

And perhaps all this suggests what the real cure for all this is Is it not forgiveness for those who have harmed us, realizing that they too were once innocent children who were equally traumatized?

It is difficult for me to explain how the mystery of forgiveness happened to me. After the feelings of hatred surfaced in my life, I did not know how to deal with them. I remember driving around alone in my car cursing my mother out in the hopes that somehow that would eventually relieve me of the hate. I would be around her and at times feel a subtle resentment as I looked at her.

One day,while driving on a country road, I came to the painful realization that I was selfish and had used the woman I had been engaged to. It was the most painful realization of my life and I felt like I was dying. I also realized that I had been attracted to her because of my early childhood traumas; recreating and reliving the trauma so to speak.

Another day I had a counseling session with a minister and confessed
many of the sins (and more) that you have read here. Afterwards, I felt clean. The traumatic incidents that happened to me as a child no longer seemed important , and my anger towards my mother seemed gone..Now, is it any surprise to anyone that forgiveness (or repentance of hate) is the means by which childhood post-traumatic stress is cured along with all the myriad of problems (including addiction and alcoholism) which grow out of it. After all, what could be more Christian or Spiritual than that?.

Tedw is a long time member of Alcoholics Anonymous (28 years). He writes on recovery related issues. He can be reached at tedw2@earthlink.net